Filth demons

That's what I call my kids.....filth demons. Never did I ever dream I could come face to face with such destructive power harnessed in such cute, emotionally delectable little packages. They're akin to Chernobyl, only instead of spewing radiation they bombard us with snot, stomach bile, half eaten food, and filthy slime that penetrates the barrier between the chub on their thighs and their diaper. Not to mention the pure Chaolutter (chaos and clutter) they can unleash with their toys and meandering forays into mischief. I was mopping the floor in the dining room tonight and caught my self muttering under my breath, in between equally spaced dry heaves of course, that I'm not spawning another filth demon again. Now I know many of you are probably breathing a sigh of relief and planning on writing your Congressman, petitioning that this be a national day of remembrance of such a monumental and important decision. Don't worry, I'll be right there with you. I have to nip (or snip) this potential problem in the bud so to speak. I'm thinking that rather than pay for a Vasectomy, I could just find a faulty microwave and stand in front of it for 10 minutes. That, or I could do clean up work at the Japanese Nuclear reactor without any pants on....but that would turn the Fukushima 50 unto the Fukushima 1 in about 5 minutes. Another option would be a stun gun...........nah, the microwave is my best bet on the cost effective side. Although it could possibly cause some kind of mutation with my Kiwis and turn me into some kind of circus freak. I can live with this giant, bald monstrosity perched on my neck like some monolithic astro-boulder. But having mutant Kiwis could possibly be the tipping point at which my fragile psyche snaps, and I start telling people what I REALLY think. Trust me, none of us want ANY part of that. So, in short, kids are messy...and I don't want mutant balls. Wow, I took the long way to that conclusion. Oh well, it was kinda like a nice country drive.....in a mini house of horrors kinda way.

My head looks like a giant albino tortoise with no legs.......it's HUGE.

Hello my leetle freends!

It's been a while since I wrote a little ditty on this here writin' tool. Thanks for the reminder Lauren!

Ok, we're gonna roll real slow with this one. And I honestly have no idea where this is going....literally, as I am typing I have no idea what is going to come out next. That scares me. It's also interesting at the same time in that you learn alot about yourself when.....hey, whatever happened to the show MASH? Wait, that's not the show I was thinking of.......MASH was fairly stupid and ignorant, therefore it's good that I didn't watch it much or I would have been hooked! What show was it that popped up and vanished like a good idea from a Government entity? Oh....Fluffy want a little treat?!!!! Wait, I don't have a dog or Cat....although our shower looks like someone butchered an Alpaccca in it when I showered after shaving my noggin. If I ever grew long hair you could clothe an Inuit village for a year and it would be the perfect camoflauge for hunting Polar Bear, Seal, or other varieties of extreme northern wildlife that should be exterminated so the tree huggers wouldn't have a reason to ban Arctic oil drilling anymore. Just think of all the motors we could run off of seal and Polar bear blubber! Of course, our cities would smell like a Jenny Craig house fire but look at the bright side......the by product could be used in Waffle Houses across the country. "Uh, maam, could you throw some extra Internal Combustionated Polar Bear Blubber on my Country Ham omelette......Bubba hungwy!"

I have a giant head. Really, it's bloody huge.

I'm gonna kill ya

Here's your 2008 numbers

* 314 U.S. soldiers died in Iraq;
* 509 people were murdered in Chicago.

Where are the anti murder activists in Chicago with their picket signs? I think we have a bigger problem here. Do you know that murder in the US, per capita, was only 6 spots lower than Zimbabwe? That's pathetic. And We're civilized and advanced? In overall murders, we're 5th in the world. Nice. Hey, anti-war activists, maybe you should focus your attention a little closer to
home. Funny thing is we're all worried about street protesters getting gunned down in Iran, human rights in North Korea.. etc, while we're butchering each other in our own streets without even a sideways glance. Do we see the rest of the world all up in our business? Are they here toppling the state government of Chicago in order to bring order? Did the rest of the world step
in and issue stern congressional rebukes while we were sorting out allegations of election fraud during Bush/Gore? Nope. We're so worried about everyone else's problems that we're imploding. What happens when we're no longer capable of keeping the rest of the world from ripping each other to shreds? All of this policing of the world has brought nothing but delay to
the inevitable and collapse to our shores. It's happened before...it'll happen again. It's the "repeat of history" that everyone seems to quote yet are seemingly incapable of heeding. There's nothing the US or any other empire in history has been able to do about it.

I have a gargantuan noggin.

The best of the best

This is what we're supposed to be. This is what we're supposed to instill in our kids...to not just "be"....but BE THE BEST. All within their capabilties of course. We've gone WAY wrong in our instilling into children that "they can do anything they put their mind to." I call "horse manure" on that one my friends. I want to set the record for number of cover shots on GQ Magazine....but that ain't gonna happen. I want to win the "Beach tan of the year award" but constantly come in third behind a pile of snow and a sack of friggen marshmallows. Heck, I'd settle for being able to paint a landscape without my colorblindness causing me to paint a tree trunk pink. No matter how hard I "put my mind to it" there are some things that I'm just not suited for. God forbid we raise kids who see the world for what is really is and have a grounded mindset toward their role within it. Basically we're a bunch of over nurturing liars that would rather our kids go through life with a false sense of assuredness than allow them to get a swift kick in the "feelings" early, and have a grounded, realistic approach to life...and to the reality that sweat and blood need to be spilled for anything worthwhile to be accomplished in this world. The sad thing is that every institution and person of authority is letting them down. We've created a world in which seventh chances, free loans, instant gratifications, bailouts, parachutes, dumbed down learning standards, and sub-par goal setting have set our children up for failure. Wait, who am I kidding? We've set US up for failure. The only example being set is one that screams "Don't worry about failure....you're special....success is your destiny...you can't fail because we won't let you." And it's just not our kids...it's our parents too. When the cold hard reality of tarnished dreams finally smack these poor, hapless souls in the face...what exactly do you think is going to happen? It could be mayhem. Just imagine an entire generation that just had the bucket of cold water called "your high school education failed you" dumped on their head. Think that one's bad? Try on " your $30K college education is worthless unless you work twice as hard after college to apply it". Oh yeah, that oughta wake them up right quickly. Unfortunately they're waking up from a TV, media, and educational system induced comma in which they've been subjected to delusions of "success" being billed as "money, possessions, and power being acrued by doing as little work as possible". They're falling out of a bed of coddling and parental failure, onto a stone-cold floor..... covered in broken glass and shattered illusions. What have ANY of the last 2 generations had to accomplish themselves? The priviledged get everyhting handed to them. The average get grants and loans so everything can be handed to them. Even the poor get what they need handed to them. Think I'm wrong? What have ANY of you had to wait, struggle, persevere, and endure for? Need a car? Here, take a loan. Need an education? Here, take a loan. Need a house so you can mortgage it in the future to get the loan that starts the next prison cycle for your kids? Here, TAKE A LOAN. Why should we believe that our kids won't opt for the easy way out in ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE? Look at their examples! We simply dumb down test standards rather then accept that our kids are failures...why? Becasue being there and making sure they're learning what they need to learn is HARD. Rather than save the extra money we have when we pay off a debt, we simply commit it to something else. Why? Because if we do need another car when the paid off one breaks down we can simply GET A LOAN. We have a Gov that prints and loans money to people who caused catastrophe thereby averting the example of failure and it's consequences....at least for a little while. Where is the example of living within our means and taking the resulting overflow and extending a helping hand to our fellow man? The example of saving for a "rainy day" and setting a high standard and bypassing the shortcuts of compromise while working to reach that goal? Oh, right, THAT'S HARD. WE....you..me...the "church"...and our precious "capitalism" have done more to spread laziness, greed, sloth, envy, wrath, murder, and pain than any other generation, culture, or class in history. How can i make this asertion? Simple. The LOVE of MONEY is the ROOT OF ALL EVIL. Not money..but the LOVE of money. The problem is that we've bastardized the meaning of love in the framework of that scriptural quote. You think you don't LOVE money? Tell me, how many hours do you figure the average American, or churchgoer for that matter, spends thinking about finances or financially related issues? How many hours are devoted to not only working for money but planning future work for the accrual of money, investments intended for the accrual of money, and how much money we'll need to retire in a "comfortable" or "EASY" manner. ( Oh look, there's the easy way out again!) Our entire way of life, as a country, is based on markets and finacial instruments that reward people for doing nothing but dedicationg their life to making MONEY for other people. What exactly about investing, the stock markets, life insurance, and IRA/401K's, would inspire people to focus LESS on money? THAT is the question you should ask. The stock market collapses and the entire country's mindset instantly changes.....as quickly as the refreshing of their financial stock report on their computer. THIS is the expamle we have set and is the model around which we are raising our kids. You think Global warming or WMD's are the biggest threat to our children's future? Think again. The next time you're brushing your teeth try looking in the mirror....kinda look like a hangman don't you?

I think, therefore I stink

Have you ever noticed how the words "think" and "stink" are so close in so many ways yet so different? When you think, for the most part, it's a useless pile of steaming Kangaroo feces just waiting to be disposed of. Basically, to be blunt, most thoughts are largely worthless and self serving. Now contemplate the meaning of "stink". Armpits stink, poop stinks, and I would imagine that hiking the Grand Canyon, in August, in a neoprene jogging suit would add some "pause to the cause" if I was hitch-hiking to Vermont and jumped into the back of some yuppie- do-gooder's Audi and rolled the windows up (not that anyone without a sunroof would risk trying to stuff my giant moon-head in their car). Both of these scenarios are self serving and pointless. Therefore I now declare that they MEAN THE SAME THING. They are synonymous. Therefore I am "thinking up" that poor mans Audi with my "thinky" Canyon sweat, and I am "stinking up" ways to "think up" my brothers car permanently so he'll have to replace the upholstery. Thinky meany the stinky and stinky meany the thinky....live it, learn it, love it. Stink before you act. Boo- yah.

Oh......my friggen noggin is a Saturn-like monstrosity.

Word of the day: Interesting

Interesting. This is the word of the day my precious's. I like to say it like this: Eeen-tur-res-teeng Kinda like that little Chihuahua whose name escapes me at the moment. Yes, VERY interesting, chihuahua's that is. Little ugly turds on legs they are. Hey! You could say "little" with the same accent and emphasis and throw "interesting" on the end of it: Lee-tool Eeen-tur-res-teeng. I think I've just invented a new language......wait...it's still English. Curses! That bloody language is so hard to learn and now I can't throw it away like like an old pair of underwear after a bear attack? I think I should be able to wipe the hard drive ( Drives in my case....since my noggin is so Freegin Huuuge) clean and load up my own special dialect. But oh no!!! I'm stuck with this miserable, wretch-like language. Kinda like Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi on a desert island ...it's a recipe for cannibalism. Not that I would eat my own brain in order to eliminate my miniscule knowledge of English.....well, maybe if I was on an island with Nancy Pelosi. The only problem there is that, while I wouldn't be able to understand what she was saying, I would still be able to hear that irritating voice. It's like combining a chalk board, fingernails....and a bull horn. Only the Pelosi bullhorn is aimed at my throat and is stomping on it, shrieking decibel after shrieking decibel. Oh well, maybe I would be fortunate enough to get stuck on an island upon which I would stumble across a rusty coat-hanger. Bye bye eardrums. Considering the rate of trash and litter being dumped into the ocean, stumbling across a useful piece of trash on a deserted island really isn't that far fetched.....I AM stuck there with Pelosi after all. Who knows..maybe I'll happen upon a stash of canned SPAM and some trash bags. ...oh, and a Garfield radio. No..wait, nevermind.... yeah that'll work as long as it's solar and my giant planetoid for a head doesn't block the sun from the island and choke off the scant life that was still struggling to exist. It would be hard to charge the batteries for my little, plastic, singing Kitty-friend if there is no sunlight.Hmmmm, very Eeen-tur-res-teeng.

Oh....and I have a big noggin.

Broken

Lots of things break. Glass breaks. Legs break. Necks break....wait...I'm getting off track. Why was I thinking about breaking necks? Oh yeah! I was watching a member of the DNC talk about "free health care" for everyone....which kinda ties into my "broken" theme today (in more than one way). You see, if you have a broken neck you don't need health care unless you're still alive. If you're still alive then whoever broke your neck didn't do it right. Or maybe it was an accident in which case you didn't hit/twist it hard enough. If you're dead you don't need health care and don't have to worry about affording it.

Have you ever wondered about how this "desperate need" for health insurance has come about? For tens of thousands of years mankind has lived on this earth without the "need" for health insurance. In the last 40-50 years it's become a "necessity". It's not necessary if you're DEAD. Think about that and then contemplate the sudden influx of these "life saving" medications that, in cold hard reality, simply prolong the inevitable. Then look at the surging health care industry. See a connection? THEY'RE KEEPING YOU ALIVE SO YOU CAN BUY MORE MEDICINE AND PAY FOR THEIR CARE. It's a big scam. People were perfectly happy in the late 1800's without health insurance. They had their life expectancy and when it was time to die...they just died. Seems pretty simple to me. Now, I'd say that our overwhelming eagerness to buy into this scam stems from 2 reasons:

1: We're afraid to die and desperately clutch to any pitiful means which will prolong our life another year.

2: We bought into a lie. We're buying meds from the same health care industry that is there to care for us. However, how many people end up needing care due to side effects caused by medication? How many people get hospitalized while on the medication designed to keep them out of the hospital? They're bleeding us dry. Why? Look at answer number 1.

We're simply afraid to die. Buncha weenies. We'd be able to afford health insurance if we'd stop nursing at the tit of these blood suckers. Just imagine how affordable it would be if we just stopped paying for health insurance and let private doctors actually practice again. We turned health care into a money making scam and now we wonder why it's no longer afforable? Did we actually think we could have publicly traded health care companies without a rise in health care costs? Isn't the point of investing to make money? How do you make money investing in a health care company if they don't turn a profit? You see, they turned an industry that is supposed to be geared toward human compassion and turned it into a business. They formed pharmeceutical alliances, machine patents, and turned assisted care homes into freakin hotels....all in the name of stock value and investor profit. Now, I'm not saying that people in the health care industry shouldn't be well paid....but should we be able to take short positions on the open market on hospital stock? When does it end?

I'm contemplating just letting myself die. Yeah, that'll show them. They're not going to get a red cent out of me. When my time comes I'll just crawl out in the woods, like any self respecting Cape Buffalo or Spotted Northern Woodpecker, and die with my face in a pile of stinging nettles. My decomposing body won't cost the system one stinkin' penny.

I dont know where this came from. I just opened the blog and started writing and this came out.
I was actually going to mention that my armpits are sweaty but I decided not to. Oh well.

I have a big noggin.